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Cone Half Full or Half Empty?

By Sam Goh

DISCLAIMER:I am aware that they stopped giving us custard donuts a’er my previous article. Fingers crossed for better luck here. ASK anyone studying at CLC and they will gladly speak of the oppressive and overbearing presence that the infamous cone cup has upon us. Today, we reminisce about the glory days of when cups could actually stand on flat surfaces.

The days when we had been bestowed with the almighty plastic (and more importantly, flat-bottomed) cup; the days when we didn’t require multiple refills of water just to quench the eternal thirst of the prep- ravaged CLC girl, and above all, the days when the cups weren’t shaped so that the milk machine inevitably spurts milk all over your hand (yes, you know what I’m talking about).

Admittedly though, if the purpose of the cone cup was to stop girls from using disposable cups and bringing their own water bottles, they have been quite a success. But then again, if their purpose was also to drive those of us without the sense to bring a state-of-the-art ‘Bobble’ water bottle to the brink of dehydration, it has also been quite a success.

First of all, let me ask you: when was the last time in College you used a cup that was able to stand on its own without having to be propped up by your hand or wedged between tables? Indeed, it has been a while. Yet one wonders what merit there is in having a pointy-tip rather than a nice, flat bottom. None. Hang on a second – why were pointy cones even invented?

And who here hasn’t complained about the almost disgustingly diminutive size of the cone cup? Nothing less than two refills are required so as to even hold a candle to the enormous water-carrying capacity of the plastic cup and at least three refills to properly occupy the behemothic, concave abyss that are our mouths. How are we meant to continue to uphold the reputation of academic, dignified CLC girls if our brains are withering from fluid deficiency? Not to mention the excessive amounts of water required by females so as to uphold our transcendent superiority above the male race.

And of course: milk. Everyone loves milk. So pure, so white, chock- full of calcium (bye bye osteoporosis) and triacylglycrols… What’s there not to love? Yet the cone cup has proved quite a hindrance in our attempts to obtain this milk. It it has come to our (most devastated) attention that the dynamics of the cup were constructed such that it lacks the damping ability which would be required to dissipate the large amounts of kinetic energy in the milk and properly contend with the outburst and ridiculously accelerated velocity at which the milk machine excretes milk. Put simply, it requires much skill and talent to be able to dispense milk from the milk machine without it spurting explosively everywhere. It’s happened to all of us.

However, of late we have seen signs of rebellion, little glimmers of hope. Ever since the Christmas holidays, there have been those glorious days of victory where the plastic cups have prevailed and reappeared.

I hear it in the wind; a revolution is coming. Our pleas for change are not going unheard
– the fall of the cone cup is near.

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