20 Things to Avoid if You Are a Fanatic Facebook Freak

Facebook

By Cyber Jellyfish

Dear all Fanatic Facebook Freaks,

Please take careful note of the below points of what your most annoying social networking habits are. This is for the good of humanity, to prevent depression and suicide among other Facebook users, and just generally to prove that human kind is redeemable. The misuse and abuse of Facebook currently indicates that it is not, to the extent that the newsfeed pollution I have been forced to scroll through makes social networking a painful experience every weekend (because we only ever go on Facebook at the weekends, obviously).


Should fellow victims also like to speak out against the oppression of the inferior intelligence present on social networking sites, please leave a comment below.

1. Albums entitled “Me”, filled with webcam photos that have blatantly been photo edited for hours, and captions such as “I’m so bored” and “:) xx”. You are not bored; you are pathetic. The fact that your webcam has not broken defies logic. Go and learn the dictionary by heart, play internet chess, or something which does not involve depressing an entire Facebook community with a poor display of how you waste your free time. A much better use of it would be writing long, whiney emails about the misuse and abuse of social networking sites.

2. Posting a picture of oneself on one’s newsfeed captioned “Bad hair day” or “Just got out of bed” when clearly you have been awake for hours, putting ridiculous amounts of make-up on, straightening your hair. You’ve been building yourself up to the brink of low self-esteem-driven desperation that led you to post such a naïve photo of yourself pouting to an iPhone, on the internet for all to judge. Also, do not get offended when people agree… You asked for it.

3. Cartoon collections of Mr Men, or super heroes, or calligraphy friendship qualities, where you tag a bunch of people you don’t ever talk to in the hope of making friends. This will not work. It just means that your victims receive hundreds of notifications, and hate you a little bit more. It can also be very detrimental to a person’s self-esteem when one is tagged as Big Bird from sesame street, or ‘the caring one’ numerous times. Everyone knows ‘caring’ is code for ‘fat but in denial’. No, I am not reading too much into this.

4. Deep emotional statuses about your life, usually relationship-related, that should really not be said aloud, ever, let alone aired on the internet. Examples from my own newsfeed, from sources that will not be named, although a bit of public shame may get them to shut up and get over it: “Next time you smile at a girl, remember how fast a heart can beak;” “Some people aren’t worth it… It just hurts that they’re always the ones closest to you;” “If I treated you the way you treated me… You’d hate me,” or “He was long gone when he met me and I realize the joke was on me…”

5. Photo shoots of yourself in a field, bush, long grass or any such pompously artistic location, taken with a high tech camera you do not understand how to work, set to timer. Then updating your profile picture and cover photo with this album every five minutes until you’ve been through them all and had your only three genuine friends like the album. Similarly, taking pictures of the sky or nature or carpets or [fill in the blank] and passing it off as ‘abstract.’ Urm. Obviously you just don’t understand how to focus your camera.

6. Posting your own YouTube channel cover songs on Facebook continually. Often these are accompanied by photo montages of yourself to match, with increasingly desperate statuses such as: “I need support,” “Following my dreams,” and “Nobody loves me. At least watch my YouTube channel…” 27 views in three years: it’s time to move on.

7. Posting ridiculously elated statuses like “Happiest girl in the world,” “You know that feeling when you’ve got it all, thats how I feel right now,” “Thank you to all the wonderful people in my life – you’re all amazing and it’s a privilege to share my existence with you,” and “The universe just couldn’t get any better.” Well. Actually, it really could. You could cease to be a part of it and stop blocking up my newsfeed with your absurd statements of denial or joy that no sane human being is interested in. Why can’t we stick to good old blood, tears, and despair? That’s what humanity is fueled on. Happiness is poisonous.

8. Commenting on posts specifically tagged and posted onto another’s wall. If I cared what your opinion was, I would have tagged you, or made this a status. Inside joke. You do not understand it as you are not a part of it. If I have deleted your comment three times, please take a hint that I do not appreciate your persistence.

9. Running commentary of current events. The fact that you’re this emotionally involved with the X Factor is worrying enough – why make the situation worse for yourself? Louis’ judgements are painful enough for the world without yours being shared as well.

10. Messaging multiple people with some support or charity chain message. Humans are selfish, self centered, empty beings. The fact that we’ve survived this long is a miracle in itself. Please stop trying to change that. Also, learn that your thoughts and comments are not interesting to the other 50 people in the email, and learn how to inbox a singular person if what you have to say is actually important. 9 times out of 10, it is not.

11. Inviting people to public events you know they cannot ever attend, due to age limit, current location etc. Invitations are a personal expression of sentiment. It stings to be invited by someone to an event in a different country, highlighting the carelessness and lack of thought that has gone into the sacred ceremony of Facebook event planning.

12. Sending me FarmVille requests when all of my crops have died. It’s almost as sad as when I see you…

13. Liking your own status/profile picture/post. This needs no explanation. Don’t do it.

14. Quoting a song or poem either wrong in you status, or in such a short quantity that it loses all meaning, origin, and just generally ruins said poem or song for anyone whom may have once liked it…

15. Self-pitying statuses, such as, “In bed with mummy… Worst day of my life,” “If I wasn’t so fat I’d be happy,” or “I need some one to talk to… Is there anyone out there? Any one? Does any one care?” No, they don’t. Or they’d talk to you in real life and you wouldn’t have to bother them via the internet.

16. Listening to really obscure bands on Spotify to broadcast how “indie” or “hipster” you are. Disgraceful. Spotify is mainstream, hypocrite; you give Alternative a bad name. Plus, I’m sure it’s muted and really you’re having a Bieber fever rave by yourself, in a dark room… Which, had you advertised this on Spotify, may have earnt you a little more respect. Mock the mainstream, don’t maintain it!

17. Repeatedly sending people messages on chat, when they are clearly not replying for a reason. 26 notifications will not make you any more interesting to me than Fresh Meat, so please stop trying.

18. Posting non-funny videos on Facebook. Newsfeed browsers such as myself scroll their newsfeeds daily, and automatically watch the videos you post. If I waste five minutes of my time watching your excuse for humour, that is your fault for posting a video and not mine for having no restraint and watching it. I will bill you for my exam re-sits. Try me.

19. Rants that go on over three statuses. What you have to say is not that interesting. Yet being who I am, I click ‘read more’, and become regrettably immersed in your sorry excuse for an opinion. Spare me.

20. Adding strangers. Who does that? Perverts, paedophiles, and criminals – that’s who. Plus, it leads me to question my own sanity, as I need to contemplate whether I have met any Xs, Ys, or Zs recently? And if so, why is their profile picture a photo of their misshapen abs or Hello Kitty?

If you find yourself reverting back to these bad habits, before sharing a post or status or uploading an album, ask yourself the key question:

“Does anybody care?”

The answer is probably no.

Delete.

Your friends will thank me later.

Over and out,

CYBER JELLYFISH xoxo

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