Colour Green New Cause of Fatal Illness: CLC in Chaos


By I’ll Have Fries with that Satire

News has reached CLC that, according to a British tabloid, scientists have discovered that the colour green is a cause of a new and unknown fatal illness. The school has exploded into colourful chaos which can only have catastrophic consequences.

According to a “reliable source”, scientists investigating toxic substances have begun analysing colours. Green seems to be the worst of all the seven colours of the rainbow and panic has swept across the nation, but nowhere so tempestuously as within the school where everything is green, as reflected in the school motto: “Coelesti viridis luce crescat.” (For those who dropped Latin in Ones: “May she shine in heavenly green light.”)

“Will Jerusalem no longer be politically correct to sing as a hymn? I’m not sure if CLC should be promoting “green” as harmonious with “pleasant” images when it has been deemed toxic and harmful,” wonders one member of staff.

The news hit the girls yesterday morning in their boarding Houses. Despite the unspoken rule that no-one should talk at breakfast in the mornings because of the risk of discombobulating late-risers who look so tired that they want to implode, the dining rooms of Houses were abuzz with debate, doubt, and dismay.

We asked someone in Journal Soc who tended to nod whenever we mentioned ‘Science’ so we deduced that she seemed to know about these things. At a guess, she roughly outlined that “the proteins on our cell surface membrane must selectively absorb green wavelengths of light (for instance, from our green jumpers) so this high energy beam reaches the nucleus and damages DNA.” This can therefore be chronically damaging to humans. “It’s just simple science,” says our correspondent.

“I’m just not sure what to do with my life anymore. The colour green is a major part of my life; of the school’s ethos; of the universe itself,” a UC5 muttered as she stumbled down the corridor, hastily tucking in her shirt as she passed the VPP’s office by the Oxford Staircase.

“They’ll have to change the logo, the PH curtains, the uniform. Life as we currently know it will be unrecognisable once Health & Safety are finished abiding by  the inevitable, new government regulations once this research’s conclusion is formally recognised, in order to prevent a national pandemic.”

“Society within our community is perilously close to being on the brink of total collapse. I think that the possibility of a dystopian take-over isn’t too far off in the horizon,” says an Orwellian in SFC2 who’s doing an EPQ championing the view that the world of ‘1984’ will soon be realised.

So far, no official notice has been given by the Powers Above within College. The Health & Safety Department is unable to comment at present.

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